Doughnut Smuggling 101
Everything You Need to Know to Infiltrate Doughnut Days
June 1, 2016
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Uh oh. It’s 10 AM, you just ate all of your lunch in first period, and you’re hungry. If you’re unlucky, you shamelessly beg your friends for food, or, suffer eternal pain and hunger until your lunch period. But if you are lucky, it’s a Doughnut Day.
Hold up- but it’s a [insert grade that’s not yours] Doughnut Day?!? Fear not! Before you let your heart drop completely, know that there are steps you can take to ameliorate this issue.
- Disguise. First, identify the age that you need to delude passersby into thinking that you are. Got it? Good. Hopefully at this point in your life you have ample experience transforming into different versions of yourself from loading up on the same free samples at Costco. If not, here are some simple tips.
- Senior: This one’s the toughest. If you don’t look the part, it’s all about the attitude. You’ve got to act like you own the place, but also don’t care at all. You know everyone and no one. Stand up a little straighter, speak a little louder, and exclaim, “Seniors!” every so often with a laugh and a shrug every so often for good measure
- Junior: Easy. We all know the horrors of junior year, so it’s less likely that people will bother or question you. You have to master the countenance of anxiety and confusion, and let everyone know that you need this Doughnut to make it through the day
- Sophomore: Impersonating a sophomore may be a little more difficult, since no one really knows what the point of sophomore year is. I would suggest walking slowly, huddling in groups of two to four, and expressing mock superiority, especially around freshmen.
- Freshmen: Now impersonating this one might take a hit to your ego, but you’re going to have to suck it up if you want that O-shaped sugar bomb. To radiate the aura of freshness you must walk in the middle of hallways, appear to be anxious and afraid, periodically turn your head around as if you are lost, and ask where and who everything/one is.
- Timing. You have got to bolt. This is a DOUGHNUT DAY, for Pete’s sake! That’s basically the Langley equivalent of that one scene in The Lion King where that one rock falls and the wildebeest go ballistic, minus the Mufasa-falling-of-a-cliff part, of course. You will need to get from your classroom to the Doughnut tables as fast as humanly possible, so time if most definitely of the essence. Forget track, cross country, swim, Mario Kart, or whatever- this is the biggest race of your life. I hope you wore sneakers.
- Tools. On Doughnut Days, there are no friends. Every person you see becomes a foe and potential owner of your Doughnut. You must be willing to do whatever. it. takes. There will be casualties. People may cry. But this is about you and that heart attack disguised as a chunky ring waiting for you on the other side. It’s the twenty-frst century; the game is changing. Be open to arming yourself with a bag of sand, to thwart your competitors, or a bottle of Axe, to aggressively joggle their senses. This may be a merciless free-for-all, but don’t be afraid to get creative with it.
- Strategy. Hold your horses, there. You may think you know all you need to in order to nab that Doughnut, but remember, it’s all in the timing. You don’t want to arrive there just to be met with an empty box, or worse, a three-quarters eaten piece of an oddly frosted Doughnut that someone left behind due to odd taste. After nimbly maneuvering or bulldozing your way through those crowded halls, you musn’t lose focus after entering the premises. Pro tip: do NOT pay attention to “line” sizes. Lines are not real. We all know that everyone justs jostles their way through and arrives to the front in an order that’s half random, half natural selection.To avoid being discovered, you should scoping out the Doughnut distributors. The ideal person to look out for is an adult. You know who I’m talking about. That one PTA mom who naively volunteered to do this without realizing the mayhem that it entailed. This parent will likely have no idea who you are and thus makes the perfect person to go for. If there are no adults present, look for the peer distributor that knows you least. If you happen to be way too popular and know all of them, make a beeline for the least occupied area of the Doughnut table to just grab one yourself.
If you had thought this was just about picking up a snack, YOU’RE WRONG. Eating versus not eating that Doughnut is like DEATH and DEATH! Follow these steps closely, and you should be all set! If this advice saves your life, be sure to mention me in your documentary “How a Doughnut Saved My Life.” Otherwise, just enjoy that smuggled Doughnut. It was both well deserved and not deserved at all.
Or, instead of following this guide, maybe just wait for your grade’s Doughnut day? Hey, or not. Waiting turns is for chumps!!