Over spring break I went on a college tour. For those of you that don’t know what that means I spent three days driving around Virginia looking for a pretty place to do more homework. I guess it was worth it because we stayed at two hotels with free breakfast and when I said eggs, bacon, grits, sausage, they really knew how to keep it going.
I know most of you are “sooo done” with NOVA and you hope to go to a college located somewhere far away like California or maybe the moon. I on the other hand really don’t mind staying nearby. Besides, you don’t have to go far before it feels like you’re in a whole different state. Once we got past Richmond I couldn’t understand any of the locals because they disregard half the vowels in the words that they speak. At one point one of stared up at me like I was the first giraffe they’d ever seen and said “mah gunness yew sho ah a biggen ain’t chu sweetie” I just smiled and nodded and back away slowly.
The first stop was UVA, which is where my mom went for undergraduate and law school. We saw where she stayed, where she took classes, where she worked, and where she studied. And an Arby’s that had sentimental value. After that we got out and walked around, had some lunch, then my dad cussed out some guy walking around in a Clifford costume.
Then we went to JMU, which is where my dad went. For eight years. He’s a slow learner. He showed us all the places he hung out, the best places to eat, and where his friends lived. When my mom jokingly asked him where the library was he pointed out about a dozen different buildings that all had one thing in common: they were not the library.
Next we visited VT, which is full of people that take pride in being called “Hokies”. It baffles me that they found enough of these people to fill an entire school. The highlight of this stop was the hammock dudes. The hammock dudes were two guys studying in portable hammock attached to trees. It wasn’t that exciting until my dad saw them, yelled “HAMMOCK DUDES” and broke about three traffic laws to get a closer look. The windows were down, so it was pretty embarrassing.
The next college we visited was Washington & Lee. I personally thought W&L was very pretty, but it is literally a stones throw from the Virginia Military Institute. When we passed through VMI I got a little concerned. There are cannons everywhere. They have cannons pointed at classrooms, parking lots, student housing, and even each other. It just seemed like a bad idea. Like, next thing you know there’s a gaping hole in your dorm room and you’re on some obscure TV show called extreme hazing.
The last major stop we took was W&M. The whole time we were there dozens of tour groups were circling around us. The people in those groups looked like they were trapped inside an invisible bubble of fun facts and overused jokes. My mom talked about how she used to give those tours while my dad talked about the different species of grasses he saw. It was a real thrill ride, but we didn’t get anything to eat there so I’m not sure it’s a perfect fit.
Overall it was a nice trip. I took lots of car naps. Each one of them ended when we were approaching the next stop and my dad yelled “YOUR FURURE BEGINS NOW” in case you haven’t noticed my dad really like to shout, almost as much as he likes to insult people in Spanish. His go-to is probably el rojo muno estupido y gordo. Translated it means: the red monkey stupid and fat. Oh, and did i mention the free breakfasts?