These is always that person on Twitter. That person that retweets horoscope accounts. I don’t need @Joe_shmo telling me I’m doomed to a month of bad luck or whatever garbage that comes to mind. I got 50 boxes of gushers in my pantry and I’m livin in the U S of A, so I don’t need to hear none your communist BS. In retaliation I’ve decided to make my own non-garbage version of horoscopes, so here you go.
ARIES- Your vision is strong and uncompromising, unless of course you’re wearing drunk goggles. In which case you’re more disoriented than a freshman in September.
TAURUS- Your will to win is remarkable. You do not back down to the impossible. Neither does your spirit animal, the mighty Waka Flaka Flame. In fact, he has managed to keep up with Hillary Clinton in the presidential polls despite not being the legally required age of 35 to be president.
GEMINI- This will be a month of revival and a return to glory for you. However, your success will bring many people shame and humility. You will make a new best friend who is widely known for their famous encounter with another person’s rear end. You are also athletic. This confusing scenario can best be compared to the signing of Tim Tebow to the Philadelphia Eagles.
CANCER- Your artistic vision is unmatched and you feel strongly connected with nature. In fact, on earth day you posted four #filtered photos of a bush in your front yard with the caption #nofilter. Thank you for that.
LEO- Your looks have gotten you far in life, but this month your vanity will get the best of you. It will convince you to undergo a procedure in an effort to appear more like a member of the famous Jenner family. Probably not talking about Bruce here FYI. Instead you will attempt the Kylie Jenner challenge by sucking on a cup until your lips take the shape of Cheetos puffs. Recent studies indicated the aforementioned Cheetos puffs are not only delicious but also wield more intellectual power than you.
VIRGO- You recently received the truth. Lots of it. It was wonderful and awesome, unless you are from Canada. If you are from Canada you can’t handle the truth. The truth swept you away. #dcrising
LIBRA- You are blessed with an extreme gift. It’s not that you can walk on water or turn homework into Mac-n-cheese, but instead you are able to vaguely understand the sounds that Iggy Izalea makes while performing her “music”. What’s that? You actually don’t understand what she’s saying? Dam. I will have to consult an expert. Busta Rhymes perhaps.
SCORPIO- You have a deep rhythmical sense inside of you. Something about your soul compels you to hit the whip constantly and then post videos of it on the Internet. Very few people are impressed.
SAGITTARIUS- Unfortunately for you, your horoscope symbol sounds like an STD. Hopefully you don’t have one of those.
CAPRICORN- Something very important is about to make an impact on your life. In the past it has usually arrived by mail, but you never know. It is
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AQUARIUS- Your are extremely opportunistic. Almost to a fault. You’re like the guy that fills a kiddie pool with cherry slurpee on bring your own cup day. Seriously, it’s not worth it. You’re just asking for attention and one helluva brain freeze.
*deez nuts
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PICES- You are a sexy beast. Your lucky number is 69. You can turn homework into mac-n-cheese. You friggin rock. Booya.
**ha, got eeem.
I hope you enjoyed my scientific future-telling methods.