Whoever wrote the Christmas carol that says December “is the most wonderful time of the year” was just trippin, or maybe Canadian. Here in America there’s a four-way tie at the top: The Fourth of July, Super Bowl Sunday, Thanksgiving, and March Madness.
After Selection Sunday the frenzy begins. Suddenly every chump in the country is predicting upsets and Cinderella stories, analyzing rosters, checking up on injuries, and researching statistics. They start throwing out random guesses, and the scary part is some of them will be right. A madness within the madness breaks out, and everyone gets infected.
While the analysts on TV and the trolls on the internet try to break down how those playing in the Big Dance will perform, I’m going to take a closer look at the people watching it. I believe most of the “bracketeerers” of America can be split up into four broad groups:
THE HUSTLER: This guy has been looking at rankings and scores for months. There’s no shame in it, he just loves college basketball. But don’t be proud that you’ve memorized every single team’s 3 point shooting percentage. It’s a game, not a test.
THE GARBAGEMAN: This person recognizes the superpower programs like Kentucky or UNC, but doesn’t know a thing about lower-profile teams like Utah or NC State. This fragment of knowledge leads this person to pick higher seeds every single time. The madness part of March Madness isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a guarantee. Unfortunately the leader of the free world fits right in with the rest of the garbage men.
THE BLIND SQUIRELL: This person probably watches Keeping up with the Kardashians or The Bachelor more often than they watch college basketball, yet they insist on making a bracket every year. They breeze though the bracket without a clue and usually end up at the bottom of their bracket pool, but they’re the only ones dumb enough to pick UAB or Georgia State. And that’s why we hate them.
THE FAN BOY: There’s no rhyme or reason to this person’s bracket, but no matter what they always find a way for their favorite team to make a deep run. Just about every casual Duke fan that exists belongs in this group1. My message to those of you that don’t rock your team’s gear until mid-March: I hope your team loses2.
As I’m writing this I’ve already watched one of my final four teams choke, but I love it. Every year I start out with false hope that my bracket will end up being good and I stress over the first few games. But, once my bracket is busted like Kwame Brown I can enjoy the pure thrill of the buzzer-beaters, alley-oops, overtimes and upsets. It’s the most wonderful time of the year because even when I lose I’m winning.
And I have a great excuse sit on the couch for seven hours. It really is a win-win.
1Go heels
2by your team I mean Duke